Results tagged “euphemism of the day” from Looking Up

Atttended a very fine opening night for the very fine BHVU open last night, which resulted in me feeling particularly jaded as I watched R deliver her line and sing a couple of songs at school assembly this morning. All very sweet, but I find the level of technology awareness staggering at times.

When grandmother spoke to R last night, she said,
"Don't forget to speak loudly and clearly."
R replies,
"Oh, it's ok Oma, I'll be using the microphone."

A more peculiar comment came when I overheard someone behind me make reference to me in conversation. I was described as,
"The guy in the red shirt."
Was the speaker worried I would overhear and be offended if he had described me as 'the guy in the wheelchair'? Or did it just not occur to him that my chair is quite a defining feature? I was the only wheelchair user at the event, so it would have been easy to pick me out. It is true that I was the only person in a red shirt in the gallery at the time,so that description worked just as well in context.

I felt puzzled more than anything. I have no problem with being described as the guy an a wheelchair. As long as I'm not described as wheelchair bound. That's an expression that pees me off. I am not bound by my wheelchair, I am freed by it. Without it I am bound by my paralysis. On a gravel path, one wouldn't describe a walker as shoe-bound, nor would a sailor in the middle of an ocean be described as boat-bound.

It's not about being PC, or causing offence. It's about words that suggest tragedy, as if life is as good as over.

Investment.
As in: "Investment - £92 per one-hour treatment session."
This bargain price is for a treatment in which the 'practitioner' wafts their hands around in a very scientific manner and thus resolve problems in my electro-magnetic field.

This service is also available remotely over the internet. I kid you not. This is despite claims on the same website that modern technologies are responsible for emitting frequencies which are screwing up my waves in the first place.
Oh, and by the way, "it should be noted that your perception or belief system is adjunct to the genetic and cellular make up, and can affect and influence the outcome." So you've gotta have faith (Sorry George).

The whole thing sadly smacks of snake-oil. What is most irritating, is that someone has seen fit to contact me to offer this 'investment' opportunity. The website is littered with quasi-scientific language in a way that appears deliberately evasive. Of the many articles referenced, not one is from The Lancet, or The British Medical Journal. If this is such an effective panacea, then surely it should be scientifically evaluated so that it can be made available to everyone?

Ah, but it is scientific. As well as the healing power of random punctuation, the treatment  works by "overcoming long-term chronic and difficult symptoms; move you beyond your blockages; and enhance recovery."

Difficult symptoms? BLOCKAGES?

Yes. I've got difficult symptoms. Mainly paralysis, but also chronic pain. But I'm not sure that I'd call my 95% transected spinal cord a blockage. Would you?

On further consideration, I'd call it a misaligned Chakra for £92 an hour.

This is a new one to me. Apparently a 'disability devotee' is someone who is attracted to people with particular disabilities. There are niche interests in amputees, wheelchair users, brace wearers, and no-doubt people with in-growing toenails.

There are also people who pretend to be all of the above for some kind of sexual kick. In the it takes all sorts' stakes this is right up there. I'm sure there are people who would argue that it's no different to being attracted to large/hairy breasts/chests (delete where applicable. Or not, if all applicable). But surely there are more complex social issues around being attracted to people in wheelchairs, let alone being attracted to pretending to be a wheelchair user. Surely the person in that category is going to get found out at some point during any sexual relationship. Or is that the point when they declare a miracle.  Maybe sitting down for long enough can cause disability. Or obesity (do I need explain what a 'plumper' is in to?).

I'm sure this must be an area for the good old Venn Diagram, so popular with maths teachers when I was at school. I wonder what the term is to describe someone who is attracted to Venn Diagrams. I mean, you couldn't exactly put on personal adds, "Into V.D."...

No longer 'Special Needs', as this is seen as inappropriate language. Instead replaced with 'Specific Needs'. There.
Kids at school virtually stopped calling each other spazz when the Spastics Society changed their name to Scope, and instead started calling each other Scopey.

Now, instead of 'Special', will you hear the youth of today shouting from the bus, "You're Specific"? Maybe it's just a sneaky method employed by the education minister to increase the nation's vocabulary one word at a time.  From now on, I wish to be referred to as being 'of compromised ambulation'. Or maybe just 'very relaxed.'

This slab of pure comedy gold from The Onion back in '01...

'Plumping' as applied to the skin of the face. Apparently, this is the new way of getting rid of wrinkles. Some bright spark obviously spoke up in cosmetics focus group, observing that fat people have fewer wrinkles.

Mind you, it still requires some expert euphemising. Can you imagine a product called 'Face Fat' flying off the shelves? Clearly plumping is a more desirable effect.

And while we're on the subject of adverts, am I alone in being deeply disturbed by the latest ad for a certain well known orange flavoured drink? The ad features bears and deer getting it on, while flamingos pole dance in the foreground. Perhaps it's something about the hand gesture required to shake the drink up that inspired such an ad...

I like this one.

"Differently abled".

Huh?

It rather suggests some kind of special powers. When I sit in my wheelchair at the bottom of a flight of stairs, I don't feel 'differently abled'. Similarly, were I to fall into a tempestuous sea, as I went down for the third time and my life flashed before my eyes, I wouldn't be thinking, "Hmmm. I appear to be differently swimming."

First in an occasional series...
"Slower digestive transit", according to an add for bio yoghurt. Constipation, I'm guessing.